Friday, November 21, 2008

Disappointments, expectation, gratitude and grace

What a time.... My spiritual practice says, "Speak your good, accept god/goddess' gifts of love and abundance, live as if you already have it, life gives you about what you expect from it so expect the best, be grateful for all of the good around you, keep your heart open, live in service and you will be blessed." Approximately that, anyway. So, how to explain the disappointments of 6 months of no buyers (ok, granted, 3 buyers who all bailed...) for the two homes I deeply want sold--price drops and all? The no West Coast job yet for the man I adore and long to see and hold and love more than once every 6 weeks? The tenants who skip owing two months of rent, leaving 1/2 of our duplex looking and smelling like a garbage dump? Some days I feel like a 2 yr old child, stomping my foot, pissed at the world for all of this struggle. "I WANT, I WANT." Some days the grief of it all takes over and I sit in a puddle of tears. I DO want... and when I speak and ask and put it out there that I accept and once again "it" doesn't come into my life my heart breaks a little more yet again. The Buddha taught that Life is suffering... frustrating and painful because we cling and crave.... if we relinquish that clinging and live a life of non-attachment/ right thinking/ mindfulness it will lead to the cessation of suffering. So once again, I let go. I trust that the Universe knows how my heart wants to give, and I keep taking the steps, one at a time to move into the life I envision. And I attempt (my inner voice comes in, speaking in Yoda tones: Do or do not...There is no try) ok, I Choose to focus on the good and beauty and love and support in which I live, I accept gracefully the fact that many things are out of my control. All I can do is Be who I want to be as life happens. I want to be positive, loving, strong, supportive, peaceful, fearless. May I learn from Paul who had peace of mind even in a Roman prison. I believe the TUT's slogan: Thoughts become things, choose the good ones. It is all there... all in our minds... and we get to choose.... though sometimes it seems "choosing the good ones" while imprisoned in my own wishes seems a daunting and overwhelming task. Moving into Thanksgiving week... my goal is to live it... Giving Thanks. Giving. Thanks. and letting go.......

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